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Many of us have worked to free ourselves from the rigid patriarchal values that have dominated our culture for so long. Dr. Sidra Stone helps us to take the next step by making us aware of the Inner Patriarch—the voice within each of us that echoes those values. This inner voice is called the Shadow King because he is invisible and works from the shadows to sabotage even the most liberated women. This books shows us how to transform our Inner Patriarch from an unseen enemy to a powerful ally so that we can claim our full feminine power.
- Sales Rank: #591319 in eBooks
- Published on: 2012-01-31
- Released on: 2012-01-31
- Format: Kindle eBook
About the Author
Sidra Stone, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized author, teacher and psychotherapist. She has personally experienced six decades of dramatic changes in women's status in her various roles of professional woman, wife, mother, stepmother and grandmother. She is the co-creator, with her husband Hal Stone, of Voice Dialogue. Together, they have written five books, including the best-selling classic Embracing Ourselves.
Most helpful customer reviews
21 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
an extremely important book for all women....
By A Customer
Below you will find a (adjusted) letter I have sent to Oprah Winfrey about the Shadow King (december 97):
Dear Oprah,
I am a 25-years old, senior student Psychology, living in the Netherlands. The reason I write to you is I saw your show on 'Marriage Shock'. In this show I heard strong, selfdependent women tell how much they had changed after they got married. Much to their own surprise they suddenly felt the need to become the perfect wife, give up their jobs, their independence, and devote their lives to taking care of their husband. They found themselves changed in a way they just couldn't have imagined themselves before their marriage, even though, and that made is especially remarkable, there usually was no pressure of the husband to change in this way (they often didn't even like it!!).
I want to recommend a book to you that will definitely help you to understand these changes in women. It's 'The Shadow King: the invisible force that holds women back'. The subtitel is: 'ending the tyranny of the Inner Patriarch', and that is what this book is all about. We women (and men too, of course) are being raised in this patriarchal society, and although society is changing and emancipating, we all have internalized the norms and values of this old patriarchal system in our 'Inner Patriarch'. As long as we don't recognize this voice inside of us, we can fight for our independence and equal rights for men and women in society all the same, but we won't get out of the overpowering influence of the norms and values our own Inner Patriarch has for us. Through marriage, the Inner Patriarch is strongly activated, and that is the reason women suddenly change beyond their own understanding.
Recently I had a chance to experience this sudden urge to become Mrs. Perfect Wife, when I got married in october. Although my husband and I had been living together for eight years before that, I suddenly started to worry: Shouldn't I take better care of him? Shouldn't I be less dominant, more feminine, more homely, etcetera. But because I had read the Shadow King, I recognized this sudden urge and I could very well deal with it.
This book makes these mechanisms so very clear, so easy to understand and gives you a key to learning about yourself and staying your own person, even after marriage. But not only in marriage, in a lot of other ways the Inner Patriarch influences the lives of women, even the really strong independent among them. [For the readers of this review, I will give work as an example. I wanted to keep my letter to Oprah short, so I didn't write about this in the original letter. I almost have my degree in Psychology now, and I am thinking about getting a job. This is what the voice of my Inner Patriarch has to say about this: 'Okay, fine, you want to be a psychologist. But listen, you are a woman. So even after you have your degree: be modest, don't be loud. Never act as if you know better, especially when male psychologists are around. Don't go for further education because too much degrees makes women intimidating and manly, and you have to be feminine. Most important of all:... your children always come first! It's okay when your husband puts his work first, that's the way it is supposed to be, but for a women, things are different. You can work, as long as your husband and your children come first!'
Believe me, my Inner Patriarch is not an exception. To recognize this voice in you, will make you understand why deep, deep down you don't feel so emancipated and independent as you would like to be and as some people think you are... and understanding opens the door to handling it better!][The original letter to Oprah ends with:]
I will not get into all of the areas of influence of the Inner Patriarch. I will just recommend you to read this book: please, please, read it!!
The author is Sidra Stone, a very gifted psychologist. Together with her husband she has been studying the inner voices of people for over 12 years now, and together they wrote a number of very readable books about our Inner Selves: -Embracing Your Selves -Embracing Each Other -Embracing Your Inner Critic
For the record, I do not have any (financial or other) interest in the sales figure of this book(s). I am just convinced of the importance of this book, and I very much hope I have convinced you to read it!!
With love and great respect,
Monique Zomer
21 of 24 people found the following review helpful.
This book is revolutionary for women and for men too!
By A Customer
Sidra Stone shows us that the feminist revolution has to be an inside job. It doesn't matter how much we try to change the world outside of us - if we're still carrying the expectations of the patriarchy within our own psyches, it's not too likely that we'll be able to change. Dr. Stone not only shows how the Inner Patriarch functions within women, she gives clear and creative ideas about how we can disengage from this energy and even turn it into an ally. Working with this has been an enormous help to me personally on a daily basis. Since reading this book, I am much more aware of the messages I receive from my own Inner Patriarch and can take action to calm him down and rebalance my life. I think The Shadow King is one of the most significant books for women (and the men who are in relationship with them) written in the last 20 years.
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
A Must-Read for Woman's Personal Liberation
By A Customer
In the early seventies I was a radical feminist and anti-war activist in the thick of every movement for change. I was militant about women's rights and loudly proclaimed "the personal to be political." Every night at dinner, however, I was completely puzzled that I wanted seconds but my husband was always full. I wasn't gaining weight so I actually thought I might have a tapeworm until I realized that like my mother and grandmother before me I automatically and unconsciously gave the biggest portion of everything "to the man." No wonder he was full and I was left wanting. I began then to have an inkling that in order to really alter the patriarchal system, something inside me would also have to change.
In The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back, Dr. Sidra Stone reveals that patriarchy is an inside job, and that even the most emancipated women harbor an unconscious internalized "inner patriarch" who sees to it that we meet cultural expectations ! and makes us feel guilty and inadequate if we don't. We may be doctors, lawyers, politicians, entrepreneurs while still trying to be super wives and moms and, of course, push our way toward radiant health and spiritual fulfillment, but the inner patriarch thinks nothing of all that. He really doesn't think a woman can do much of anything on her own and wants her to stay home with a man so she will be safe and financially secure. He doesn't want her to take risks or rock the boat, and forget equal relationships with "sensitive men!" The inner patriarch demands that men be "real men," women be like their great grandmothers, and marriages last forever. If anything goes wrong with this plan, it's all the woman's fault.
With all this going on unconsciously inside our heads, it's no wonder that as more and more barriers to equality are lifted, we find ourselves somehow unable to take advantage of it all, afraid to go after big success, insecure about what we do achieve, and d! isappointed in our relationships with men. We put on the b! est show we can, but inside wonder "what's wrong with us?" The first step toward sanity and inner emancipation is becoming aware of the patriarch inside us.
In Dr. Stone's book you can experience the inner patriarch first-hand in fascinating excerpts of interviews with hundreds of women's inner patriarchs from around the world, done by using the Voice Dialogue method of working with inner selves which she and her husband, Dr. Hal Stone, created. Listen to the inner patriarch in other women and soon you'll hear your own. He makes a woman both ashamed of her femininity and ashamed not to be feminine. He belittles her accomplishments and thinks her talents are wasted on her - "it's too bad she's not a man."
Fortunately, just as we have seen changes in the outer patriarchy, it's possible to balance the power of the inner patriarch and learn to "employ him as a consultant." He's not all bad. He upholds traditions that nurture us as well as those that limit us. Unlike oth! er books which are all theory and no practice, The Shadow King gives women (men too!) very practical techniques and guidance for moving beyond duality, managing our energy fields, and creating real intimacy and partnership between women and men. Dr. Stone writes out of her psychotherapeutic work with selves as well as out of her experience as a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, teaching us how to bring the inner patriarch out of the shadows of our unconscious where he drains us and makes us weak, and into the light of awareness and choice where we can use his power and assume his authority as our own.
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